Second Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn
A Poll only a stripper would love
Welcome back funky readers, to the Pot & Pan Handler’s hedonistic blog. Today you’ll be privy to our fan poll we asked, you voted, for the Second Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn. Seriously we didn’t make any of this up, except of course we did. There were some pretty big upsets this year, read on to see if your favorite food porn entity made it back. There’s a reason listicle rhymes with testicle, but here’s one worthy of reading; our Second Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn.
#10 Ree Drummond’s Mumu
Anybody who has watched Ree Drummond’s Pioneer Woman knows Mrs. Drummond has a different mumu for every day of the week, possibly she’s prepared for several mumu changes a day. Although the mumu dropped from #1 last year to the 10 spot this year there is no denying that those mumus work hard. From masking, to cloaking, draping and hiding, that’s a lot of responsibility for one article of clothing and viewers appreciate the effort.
#9 Alton Brown’s Social Media Avoidance
Last year Alton Brown’s Post-It Notes and Sharpie markers, made the #2 spot. This year the writing implements fell off the list entirely. Fear not Alton Brown fans because his willful avoidance of you has been duly noted. Whether he’s attacking Delta Airlines, or hawking an upcoming bullshit reality show on Food TV or even imploring you to buy a book, he won’t acknowledge you. Facebook or Twitter, Reddit, or Instagram, Mr. Brown would rather paper cut himself to death on his own Post-It Notes in a suicidal act of avoidance than acknowledge your internet existence. No matter how many books you’ve bought. Alton Brown is better than you and he knows it. Congratulations Mr. Brown, you once again avoid obscurity in the Second Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn.
#8 Aaron Sanchez’s Tattoo Artist
Whether he’s a guest on Masterchef or trying to sell you queso fresco, fans all know, Mr. Sanchez has more ink than an ink jet. In an effort to separate himself from the inkless generation X’ers like Bobby Flay, Aaron Sanchez is inked like a millennial bartender in a restaurant with no signage. Mr. Sanchez has cast off the old guard chefs and flew a flag to millennials that states; I get you millennials. Soon the old shouting chefs of the past will be replaced with the new generation. We’re looking at you, Mr. Ramsey. However Mr. Sanchez will still be there, dressed in lumberjack chic, stroking a newly sprouted hipster beard and flexing flabby tattooed chef muscles. Millennials the world over appreciate the nod and have voted accordingly. Thanks to you tattoo artist, Mr. Sanchez will be around for another generation.
#7 Wolfgang Puck’s Accent
Ziz iz amazink, Volfgang Puck moved to ze united ztatez een 1973 and quickly became one of ze firzt zelebrity chefz een America. Alongzide Alize Vaterz, Volfgang put American cuizine on ze culinary map. Yet, ze fanz know, it wouldn’t have been pozzible wizout zat adorable Auztrian accent. It vould zeem that lozing your ackzent, eez az hard as gettink a table at Zpago, For zis, Volfy, ve zank you.
#6 Giada De Laurentiis’ Neck
Like bobble head night at the minor league ball park, Giada’s head bobs and weaves to the beat of an unseen conductor. Not only does that petite neck hold up her gigantic head and a city’s abundance of hair, it also supports her shark like mouth. Modern science has been unable to count them, but made up scientists have stated that Ms. De Laurentiis, like a tiger shark has between 5 and 15 rows of teeth on each jaw. Keep up the hard work Ms. De Laurentiis’ neck, because we’d all miss the hypnotic yaw and pitch of that colossal face.
#5 Guy Fieri’s Hair Gel
Once again in our Second Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn, Guy Fieri’s hair gel made the cut. Like a pride parade, Mr. Fieri’s hair stands tall and proud, it’s here, it’s queer and we’re used to it. Not only does his gargantuan head of hair stand tall, it stands tall with a purpose. Much like his recently shuttered 0 star rated restaurant in NYC, we all know it’s there, but no one understands it. When asked how it does it, Mr. Fieri’s hair gel replied, “Piss off, I’m busy.” We appreciate the effort hair gel.
#4 Tom Collichio’s Razor
As bald as a baby’s bottom, Mr. Collichio’s head remains as clean as a sufferer of Alopecia areata. Suck it Mr. Clean, you have a full head of dirty hippy hair compared to Chef Collichio’s clean shaven dome. A stunning upset, as Mr. Collichio’s Razor, has replaced Sunny Anderson’s desire to kill her audience with recipes like Beefy, Cheesy, Slider Casserole in the #4 spot. We all appreciate the consistency chef, especially the shower drain.
#3 Chef Vivian Howard’s Titanic Book
Not only did Chef Howard beat the odds by opening an uber successful destination restaurant in a destination no one ever heard of, she also wrote an award winning book. Deep Run Roots; is a massive tome full of terrifying regional southern ingredients, like butterbeans. This volume comes in at 1/3 as long as War & Peace. That means Deep Run Roots is easily large enough to use as a battering ram to break out of a Turkish Prison (much to the relief of imprisoned Turks). But Tolstoy never included a recipe for Corn and Snap Bean Succotash.
#2 Mario Batali’s Gross Sexual Improprieties
Work for Mario Batali? You’re going to get touched. Like sex with Kevin Spacey, kicking and screaming, like it, or not, it is going to happen. http://www.foxnews.com/food-drink/2017/12/14/mario-batali-cut-from-abcs-chew.html A stunning comeback as Mr. Batali’s Gross Sexual Improprieties didn’t even make the list in the First Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn. Who would’ve thunk that a millionaire chef with a literal food empire, who steals his tipped employee’s wages would have a questionable moral compass. https://ny.eater.com/2017/11/29/16716398/mario-batali-wage-lawsuit-babbo-nyc
#1 Michael Symon’s Waning Masculinity
Finally your patience will be rewarded, enduring readers. The #1 spot in our Second Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn goes to… Michael Symon’s waning masculinity, as one of the co-hosts of ABC’s estrogen fueled The Chew his testosterone levels have nowhere to go but down. The Chew is an estrogen driven orgy of recipes, crafts and tablescapes, not intended for the masculine. Now thanks to co-host Mario Batali’s gross sexual improprieties, Mr. Batali has been asked to exit stage right. This exit has left a testosterone vacuum in his place. This has resulted in the removal of the last vestiges of masculinity that Michael Symon might have once had. Congratulations Mr. Symon, you’ve earned the #1 spot in our Second Annual Fan Poll for the Hardest Working Entity in Food Porn.
Coming soon: we swim a sea of superficiality in the beach town of Miami, where we eat meats of quality, until then you be you & we’ll be we. May the odds be ever in your flavor. – Pot & Pan Handler
The Pot & Pan Handler are spatula wielding, escaped restaurant émigrés, food porn fluffers and professional stirrers of excrement. We’re scouring the States, for edible food, so you don’t have to. You can find us online or in a restaurant bar somewhere near you.