The not entirely fake state of affairs in North Carolina.
North Carolina is a southeastern state on the coast of the United States. North Carolina or North Cackalacky to the exceptionally red of neck, rests lazily on top of perennially inferior South Carolina.
In regards to South Carolina BBQ, seriously South Carolina, mustard in the BBQ sauce? Really? There are far superior BBQ sauce ingredients readily handy like ground up glass or Al Roker ass juice. Secondly, football, South Carolina’s University Clemson suffers from the disillusion that they’re better at football just because their roided out felon buff shrines to HGH of a football team at Clemson beats NC teams ninety five percent of the time. Never mind that a degree from Clemson is not even worth the paper it’s printed on. Unless it’s swimming pool management, Clemson has an exceptional SPM program.
Clemson’s proud football alumni also have the unique distinction of most graduates who have previously graduated from shiv making at state pen. If they’re so good at football, where’s the pro team? Once again North Carolina proves it’s on top. In much touted made up studies, 9 out of 10 scientists agree that north is on top of south and the one who disagrees, has a degree from Clemson. Further evidence that South Carolina actually prefers being on the bottom is South Carolina’s Senator Lindsey Graham’s confirmed bachelor “accent.”
Georgia also borders North Carolina’s southern edge in a universally understood subservient manner. North Carolina has not been on talking terms with Georgia as any state with cities so easily burned to the ground can never be trusted. Sorry Georgia you’re the weak link of the south. Just ask Wisconsin, they haven’t talked to Illinois since Bartman’s cow kicked over the lamp that burned the city of Chicago down and distracted the Cubs from winning the pendant, again. Sorry Illinois, you’re the weak link of the north.
To North Carolina’s west is Tennessee. Known as the road to Nashville, that’s exactly what it was until Elvis famously took too many shrooms and had Memphis built for his amusement. For seven absinthe filled days Elvis and a developer, attempted to recreate Disney’s It’s a Small World Ride, with a soundtrack stolen from black people, the result was Memphis. This demented little project came in over a million dollars over budget and three months past the deadline as it took two months just to hose all the vomit off of the sidewalks.
On the Northern border of North Carolina lays Virginia. Virginia is for lovers, is their state motto, which makes this uninhabitable hell hole sound a lot more livable than it really is. With an average low temp in the 20’s in the winter and average humidity laced highs of 86 degrees in the summer, their climate is best described as unlivable.
Known also as the president state because 8 presidents have come from Virginia, this phenomenon is really just evidence of how unlivable Virginia is. Essentially no one can afford to live in Washington DC, but Virginia’s stark dystopian hell-scape makes real estate affordable. Would you want to live in a neighborhood populated entirely by politicians? I know I wouldn’t, but really I would. That was my impersonation of a politician.
North Carolina can be divided into 3 distinct regions. Charlotte is the most populous, the 9th most populous city in the country and 2nd only to New York in the size of banking centers in the U.S. The Research Triangle Park or RTP is in central North Carolina and includes the capitol Raleigh, home of Duke, in Durham and Chapel Hill home of UNC. Outside Charlotte and The RTP the populace is diverse as a bowl of vanilla ice cream with no toppings and 85% of the residents speak Donald Trump in the home.
Pork is one export of North Carolina, like Iowa, only interesting and with fewer ethanol subsidies. Tobacco is the biggest export of North Carolina, because smoking makes you look cool. With all that smoking going on North Carolina knows the most appropriate accompaniment to smoking is drinking. With somewhere between 70-80 permitted breweries, North Carolina is taking care of all your smoking and drinking needs.
Not to mention the Moonshine. Driving in a circle really fast is the end result of North Carolina’s moonshine culture. When the federal government started taxing alcohol, ungovernable Scottish, Irish, and Scotch-Irish settlers ran to the Appalachian Mountains. Once there they hid amongst the trees, distilled alcohol and made out with their attractive cousins. Live in the woods, getting drunk and not paying taxes… Those people were heroes, except um, of course, the inbreeding thing.
Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do ya’ do? Central North Carolina is also home to the Triangle Research Park. Originally the RTP was created as a partnership between Duke University, UNC Chapel Hill and NC State as an opportunity to give NC state students a chance to comingle with students who have money. The RTP is now one of the biggest tech hubs in the United States and exports 100,000 unemployable, tattooed and bearded hipster baristas with butt hurt distorted world views and gender studies majors throughout the country every year.
Like Virginia the climate of North Carolina is nearly intolerable. With ball sweat crushing humidity and median temperatures in the high eighties in the summer. Not to be outdone winter is nipple hardening cold in the winter at least until late afternoon when it will reaches 50 degrees again. Think you’ll enjoy that when you get done with work for the day? Hahaha you’re fucked, by the time it’s 5 PM, it is dick shrinking cold again.
There are seven different microclimates in North Carolina, unlivable, humid as ass, mountaintop cold as fuck, a hurricane just stole your baby, I can’t see shit in these valleys, my shoe melted onto the blacktop and I stepped outside and now I got a Jew fro. North Carolina also enjoys the distinction of the only climate so effed up that it’s the only place in the world where the carnivorous plant, the Venus Fly Trap grows.
North Carolina produces terrifying and disgusting food, not found in the rest of the United States. Sweet potatoes, collard greens, turnip greens, okra, butterbeans and the wickedest food in the world, kale are all produced in North Carolina. To make all of these horrifying foods edible, North Carolinians add pork, to everything. In some communities, people still eat pickled pigs feet. Likely, to confound white people.
As you are now aware pigs are a thriving factor in Carolina, from production, to farming, processing, to sales, North Carolina leaves BBQ beef to other states. North Carolinians know it’s only BBQ if it’s pig. Whole hog or pork shoulder depending on the part of the state you live in. A contentious subject in North Carolina, BBQ has torn more families apart than a Trump candidacy.
In the east where the pork is most prevalent BBQ is defined as smoked pork topped with vinegar, taste, is the pork still edible? If so add more vinegar. Soon the stench of vinegar assaults your sinuses and puckers your face until you have to your lips surgically removed from your tonsils, congratulations, you’ve just made eastern NC BBQ.
On the western front North Carolina BBQ is a pig of a different color. Once again this Q is smoked pork, but Lexington style Q as western NC Q is called has vinegar in the sauce, but it is mixed with, tomatoes, tomato paste, or ketchup. This little additional sweetness brings the vinegar in check and offers a more balanced approach to Q. You know like they do in almost every other notable & not so notable BBQ states across the nation. If not the world. Notice, that North Carolina doesn’t use mustard in the Q like South Carolina does, because although they might like BBQ to pucker your face like unsweetened lemonade, North Carolinians are not insane.
Rural and inner city North Carolina have very little in common until you mention cheap labor. Looking for a produce picker, or back of house service industry employee who doesn’t speak Spanish in the home? This would prove to be futile, like Diogenes of Sinope hopelessly wandering the earth looking for an honest man.
Totally, not made up fact: in some rural NC counties, as much as 50% of the population speaks Spanish in the home. Yet we both know that is not the result of a bilingual public education. Does this contradict what I said earlier about rural NC is as diverse as vanilla ice cream…. Blah, blah, blah? Yes of course it does, I told ya’ this is my impersonation of a politician. Now I’ll tell ya’ that green is blue and water isn’t wet.
So educated readers, that was my comprehensive, if not entirely true state of affairs in the state of North Carolina. Stay tuned for more made up states when we write about the Soviet People’s Republic of Massachusetts. Until then there will be more food and fun in Chapel Hill we’re eating not quite Asian when we go to Jujube, thanks for reading and may the odds be ever in your flavor. –Pot and Pan Handler